My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
I feel seen
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.