im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
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Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
this is literally a CIA plant
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way