she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
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The absolute effort that went into this omg
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Yes, I鈥檓 a slob, but I鈥檓 a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it鈥檚 actually clean.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9鈥檚 plate to catch the crumbs so they don鈥檛 go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he鈥檚 faulty and would like a refund
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
You look busy, I鈥檓 just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Recipes be like you鈥檒l need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it鈥檚 gonna cost $125
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could鈥檝e gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would鈥檝e gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
I couldn鈥檛 find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
If it鈥檚 the thought that matters, I had a shower today 馃槈
God: you鈥檙e a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you鈥檙e the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you鈥檙e in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don鈥檛 worry be Capy : )
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i鈥檝e never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.