One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
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Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse