[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
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I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”