Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
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The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
[on my way back to the posting caves]
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT