“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
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I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Love this guy
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?