“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
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People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Risking my life for fun.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick