My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
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I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.