My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
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*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
The dark side of Canada
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.