oh u like history? name everything that happened
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In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.