Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
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Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Seductively sings in Klingon.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.