Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
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Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
me adding lol on a serious message
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?