Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
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I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.