My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
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Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.