cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
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we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn鈥檛 have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
If Spider-man鈥檚 powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don鈥檛 want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don鈥檛.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we鈥檝e replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Finished stitching this today 馃槆
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women鈥檚 death shrouds
Amazon: It鈥檚 never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Why don鈥檛 furniture stores just tell us when they鈥檙e NOT having a huge sale?
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season