Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
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Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”