Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
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Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.