if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
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I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Me too
oh u like geography? name every lake
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.