WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
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The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench: