asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
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I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
dogs can find happiness so easily
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
This is not me but this is me
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg