How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
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Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer