*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
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Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote