Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
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Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle