Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
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4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.