*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
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[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.