Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
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The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
This is always good for a laugh.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
at ease…shoulder.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”