You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
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Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness