I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
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Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Happy thanksgiving!
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
calling in to work dehydrated
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”