Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
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Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Tuesday
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.