[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
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My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?