healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
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Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”