A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
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Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk