IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
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depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.