Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
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Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
whatcha thinkin bout
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.