[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
You Might Also Like
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.