Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
You Might Also Like
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]