Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
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OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…