Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?