My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
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Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.