I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
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The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
when someone compliments me
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer