In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
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Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.