Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
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I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
damn he’s good
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.