normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
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It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap