Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
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*aggressively skips to my Lou*
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.