ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
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Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
#parenting
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*