I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
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My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?