No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
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People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Me too, bag. Me too….
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy