i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
You Might Also Like
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Not recommended for beginners.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.