The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
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Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.